Pokemon I Could Take: Farfetch’d

Farfetched emerges from his pokeball and I emerge from my Bonnieville. Farfetched opens the fight by flying straight for me and I have absolutely no chance to evade. I prepare for impact but instead feel a very slight wet rubbing across the side of my face. Stunned I look over my body over for damage and feel/see nothing. Then I look over to Farfetched who has an equally stunned look on his face. We are both surprised I was able to take the impact. Then I realize why. Because he hit me with a celery stick…

–        O HP…why?…BECAUSE IT’S A CELERY STICK!

Now many people have asked me since my first fight…”Hey Kipp, what type of Pokemon are you?” I kindly directed these people to the STAFF page where it says my degree is in psychology and I am currently pursuing a Masters degree in psychology as well. The answer to me then seems obvious that I must be a psychic type. My first attack would be what I call “Self Esteem.” This is an attack where I make fun of Farfetched’s Unibrow and therefore lower defense. I would do this by saying. “Hey, would it be too Farfetch’d for you to shave that thing?!”

–          Defense goes down

Farfetched then would most likely use his other main attack which is pot smash, which implies what I assume is throwing a pot at me. I avoid the pot, but more than likely some of the pot’s shrapnel would hit me.

–          20 HP

Once again I am going to use self esteem, and since I have already attacked his unibrow, this time I am going for his species’ existence. If you watch the episode of Pokemon entitled “So Near, Yet so Farfetched” you will already know when Ash checks the Pokedex, its says that Farfetch’ds are rare because his kind makes such a delicious stew. This is why I assume he uses a pot smash as a main attack. Hence symbolically destroying the genocide on his species. A very powerful statement, but not something I am above exploiting in the heat of battle. So this time I would say “Hey Farfetch’d, your master isn’t training you. He’s fattening you up.”

Critical hit – Defense goes down.

At this point Farfecht’d’s self loathing has turned to anger, and he is pulling out the big guns. He flies at me and hits me with the drill peck. This is a pretty devastating move and I’m hurting pretty bad. As he flies in I put up one hand up to guard. His beak hits me in the arm and then slides down my chest making me into a poor man’s Sagat. I am bleeding pretty profusely.

Critical hit – -60 HP

Although I am hurting my strategy is still in tact. His defense is down and he is vulnerable for my electric attack. Little does Farfetch’d know that there has been a change in my wardrobe tonight and I am wearing a brand new pair of wool socks. Throughout the fight I have been rubbing them on the Pokémon stadium carpeting/astroturf. I have slowly been creating an aurora of static electricity around myself. The only problem now is that I must lure Farfetch’d in. For my final attack I yell to Farfetch’d, “Hey, you do know that ‘eye brows’ is plural, right?” In a fit of rage he flies at me, and that’s when I begin gathering the aurora.

KA…..MA…..HA…..MA…HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Critical Hit. Defense is down.

-100 Farfetch’d.

I win, and that night I enjoy the best stew of my life.