Geek Snacks: Honeydew Sandwich

In an experiment that’s likely to repeat itself should we receive favorable feedback; Elder-Geek.com presents Geek Snacks:

While playing a game like the excellent new Batman: Arkham Asylum the easily predictable Geek can lose track of time, and before he/she knows it 5 hours will have passed. It is at this time that the Geek can start to feel a slight tumbling in its stomach, causing it to conclude that it needs to feed. While a quick and easy take-out meal brought forth by the ever so elusive take-out “boy”, boy being a fitting yet deceiving description as this sweating overgrown child encroaches on the Geek’s well-marked territory, only to have the audacity to demand compensation for his service, incompetent as he may be.

In recent years, however, the Geek tribe has started to take notice of other neighboring tribes, drawing upon the idea that food is to be savored, rather than just consumed. Because of this rising trend, some more advanced individuals in the Norwegian sect of the Geek tribe have taken it upon themselves to pass this (savoring food) knowledge onto their lesser brethren. These two specimens are named Mats & Thomas. Using our high-tech surveillance equipment, we can listen in on their current lesson:

 

Mats: “Now-now children,  settle down and listen to Mr. Thomas.”

Student: “Hey! I’m a grown man!”

Other Student: “Yeah we all are! They don’t call us Elder-Geeks for nothing you know!”

Mats: “Yes, you’re all big important men, who obviously grooms themselves and all that. Meanwhile, you feel it necessary for two complete strangers to teach you a simple act such as cooking. Now, let’s move on…Thomas, if you please.”
Thomas: “Okay, class. Today, you will learn how to make a special kind of sandwich, namely the Honeydew Sandwich; here is a picture of it when finished.”

Student: “Why is it called Honeydew, Mr. Thomas?”

Thomas: “Not exactly a botanist are you? It’s called the Honeydew Sandwich because it has honeydew melon in it, something that is uncommon for a sandwich.”

Student: “Oh. I see. Mr. Thomas?”

Thomas: “Yes?”

Student: “What’s a botanist?”

Mats: “Look! Will you all just quiet down and let nice, Mr. Thomas continue!?”

Student: “Yes sir…”

Thomas: “Right, now we are going to start piece by piece, making the sandwich. You should all have everything you need on your desk.”

Mats: “Also pay attention to your cutting. Should one of you lose a finger, we are not responsible for any treatment or compensation. However, if you lose a lot of blood and have the urge to toss it in with the rest of the ingredients, we will not blame you. Heck, we might even have a bite ourselves.”

Thomas: “That’s quite enough Mats! This is my lesson!”

Mats: “Fair enough, but remember who keeps the solicitors at bay.”

Thomas: “Yes well, CHILDREN! Let’s start preparing the ingredients shall we?”

Student: “We’re not…ugh never mind. What do we have to do?”

Thomas: “Patience, young master. heh..I’ve always wanted to say that!”

Mats: “Thomas…I don’t have all day.”

Thomas: “You don’t?”

Mats: “Not for these…people.”

Thomas: “Aaanyway, we’ll start by examining the ingredients. Tell me. What do you see?”

Student: “I see a bunch of food with weird-ass Norwegian writing on it.”

Mats: “I will not have such foul language in my class, you degenerate rude little dipshit!”

Student: “Wow! Relax, man. And besides I’m taller then you.”

Mats: “That’s it, out! NOW!”

Student: “Geez…”

Thomas: “Right well, now that that’s over, we can continue. Anyone worked out a complete list of the ingredients yet?”

Student: “OH! OH! I have, I have!”

Thomas: “Well go on then.”

Student: “Right well…erm…”

Mats: “I WILL hurt you!”

Student: “2 eggs, sliced bread, a box of cherry tomatoes,  a red onion, a cabbage, some standard cheese, sliced ham, some parsley, the honeydew melon and one single beer. I think that’s it sir.”

Thomas: “Very good…whatever your name is. This is where the real action starts.”

Thomas: “Now, break both eggs and separate the yolks. Then give them a light whip until they are blended nicely.”

Student: “It’s not working, Mr. Thomas.”

Thomas: “Oh for God’s sake, I said light, but you still have to touch it. Do it harder!”

Mats: “Huh, that’s what she said.”

Student: “ooh BURN!”

Thomas: “Yes well, now that everyone has the mixture ready, I want you all to grab the brush and gently stroke the mixture on one side of each slice of bread”

Thomas: “Good, now, each of you take turns and fry the egged side of the bread in one of the four frying pans we’ve set up.”

Student: “Why only four?”

Mats: “Because, genius, with too many lying around, I’d be too tempted to beat you into submission.”

Thomas: “That part is actually true. We’ve had…issues.”

Thomas: “Now, while you’re waiting for the others to finish frying the bread, I want you to start preparing the raw ingredients, starting with the onion. Cut a few slices—that’s all you’ll need.”

Student: “It burns my eyes!”

Thomas: “Yes, onions tend to do that.”

Thomas: “If you’re all done, I’d like to move on to the melon. Grab that big scary knife and start cutting it up until you have at least four thin strips of melon…feel free to eat the rest or save more for later.”

Student: “This is really good!”

Mats: “What did you expect? We are putting it into our sandwich after all.”

Thomas: “You should notice by now that the bread is done frying and features a nice golden color on one side. Put the bread with the golden side up on the plate and add some cheese to each slice.”

Thomas: “Then very quickly fry some ham, it shouldn’t stay on the pan for much longer than 30 seconds — just enough to give it some crisp. Put the ham on top of the cheese.”

Student: “Erm, this is getting pretty complicated. Could you slow down?”

Thomas: “I would, but then I’m afraid of what Mats here will do to you…and me.”

Student: “…I’ll catch up!”

Thomas: “Now, take a few leafs of that cabbage and chop it up to whatever size you’d prefer, keeping in mind that cutting the leaves too small will make them difficult to handle.”

Student: “Ugh, I don’t like salad!”

Mats: “I can see that…measured your waistline lately?”

Thomas: “Leave him alone, Mats. Besides, you’re one to talk! Its okay…guy, I promise you’ll like it in this meal.”

Thomas: “Also, remember that red onion I asked you to cut up earlier? Take some of that and add it to the salad leaves. Depending on how much you like onions, you can add more or less, but there should at least be a little.”

Student: “Why can’t we just drop it all together, Mr. Thomas?”

Mats: “As it happens, this is my recipe and I’ll be damned…no wait, you’ll be damned if you change it!”

Thomas: “Now it’s starting to look like something huh?”

Student: “I think you missed something, teacher?”

Thomas: “No, I’m pretty sure I got it all.”

Student: “But then where does the butter go?”

Thomas: “I think perhaps you do need to measure you’re waistline after all!”

Mats: “HAH! Told you!”

Thomas: “Anyway, it’s time to move on to the cherry tomatoes. Cherry tomatoes are far sweeter and juicier than regular tomatoes, and for that reason they are ideal for sandwiches as the provide some much needed moisture to the experience.”

Students: “Isn’t this the same kind of tomato that disgusting Steward of Gondor was eating in Return of the King?

Thomas: “Living up to the Geek name I see; admirable but inadvisable.”

Mats: “NERD!”

Thomas: “*Cough* Also remember to add a few strips of honeydew melon. I cannot stress enough the importance of this ingredient; it makes the whole sandwich come together and provides that truly unique and fantastic taste of the Honeydew Sandwich!”

Mats: “Can I have one of those?”

Thomas: “No. Now, all you have to do is fold the two halves carefully over each other—make sure not to lose anything while performing the fold.”

Student: “Couldn’t we have just put everything onto one slice of bread and then put the other one over when finished? Seems like that would be much easier.”

Thomas: “I’m sure we could, but then those strange looking anthropologists over there wouldn’t see how cool it looks!”

Student: “Oh…I guess that makes sense.”

Thomas: “Today’s lesson is over. Everyone take your Honeydew Sandwiches and don’t forget the beer! Once home, sit down with a nice game while eating. This sandwich was carefully constructed to ensure minimum grease and ease of eating while preoccupied with beating the living hell out of the Joker’s henchmen!”

Mats: “And remember, children. If I see this recipe anywhere out on the internet, I will personally have your heads!”

By Mats Paasche and Thomas Assmann, all comments greatly appreciated!