15 Jun

One day when me and one of my many supermodel girlfriends were driving down the road we came upon a massive object in our path. After some close inspection I realized it was a Pokemon, and a huge one at that. Without having any measuring equipment I would have to guesstimate that he is about 6’11 and, oh… let’s say 1014 lbs.

Being a man from Michigan—which has two seasons: winter and construction—I know the importance of two lane traffic. And as any Michigander will tell you, blocking traffic is not only a serious offense, but punishable by death.

I challenge Snorlax……and……

Can you believe it? Not only does this giant bastard have the audacity to block up traffic, but he has the balls of sleeping through my challenge.

Now I am pissed. Luckily, like most high traffic areas, there is a PokeWal*Mart near by and I walk over. I go to the “Summer Fun” section located up front. Luckily when I get there they have only begun to take down the “Summer Fun” section and only about half of the Christmas decorations are up. I walk over and pick up the lighter fluid, and make my way to the register. Ten minutes later I am back at my car and what do you know….Snorlax is still sawing logs. I begin to spray the lighter fluid all around and gather a little bit of brush. I then ask my super model girlfriend if I can borrow her cigarette which she supplements for eating.

I throw the cigarette down and the flame begins. Snorlax begins to burn and the smell of burning blubber permeates the air. That’s when I think about how this lazy lump of lard has made countless blue collar workers have to sacrifice their pre-work cigarette and suffer through hours of traffic back-ups and speeding tickets. About midway through the fire after most of the Snorlax is covered with second and third degree burns I decide that a slow painless death in this Pokémon’s sleep is far too good for this lazy MoFo.  I reach into my pocket and pull out the pokeflute and blow…